Excerpt:Â I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises? I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.
If I'm elected president, I willâ€¦
Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day â€“ or else they can't vote on anything. Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).
Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).
Give a presidential pardon to â€¦ no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"
Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.
Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).
Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.