Townhall.comby Mike Adams
I was recently made aware of a new sign that adorns (or adorned) the door of the womenâ€™s faculty restroom in the S&B building at UNC â€“ Wilmington. My friend Bob Sacamano, who, of course, read my second book, Feminists Say the Darnedest Things, took it off the door. He then took it into my office for my personal inspection, and not to mention my personal entertainment. The sign reads as follows:
BE AWARE! YOUR VOICE CAN CARRY INTO ADJACENT ROOMS. ITâ€™S BEST TO CONDUCT PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL OFFICES.
The reason the reader of my second book brought the sign into my office relates to the first chapter of Feminists Say the Darnedest Things. The chapter, which is called â€œGosh! Idiot!,â€ tells of how I heard a feminist in our department trying to convince a (now former) secretary in our department to file a complaint against me â€“ simply for using the phrase â€œGosh! Idiot!â€ in the workplace. She was speaking loudly from the entrance to the bathroom â€“ certainly louder than she had intended - as she was trying to persuade the secretary.
The secretary explained to the feminist that I was not calling anyone an â€œidiotâ€ but that instead we were joking about the movie Napoleon Dynamite. So, of course, no complaint was filed. But, after I made light of the situation in my book, some feminists got angry. I suppose that the same right to privacy that allows a feminist to have an abortion allows her to encourage false accusations of â€œworkplace harassment.â€ Nonetheless, I am now thinking about posting the following sign on the womenâ€™s restroom just for fun:
BE AWARE! YOUR VOICE CAN CARRY INTO ADJACENT ROOMS. ITâ€™S BEST TO CONDUCT MCCARTHYITE WITCH HUNTS IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL OFFICES.
But, after seeing the real sign, my friend Bob Sacamano had a different idea. He thought it would be funny to post a sign on the restroom, which reads as follows:
BE AWARE! ALL MANNER OF SOUNDS CAN CARRY INTO ADJACENT ROOMS. ITâ€™S BEST TO BREAK WIND IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL OFFICES.
It may surprise my readers but I did not think Bobâ€™s remarks were at all funny. I thought they were offensive. Such comments should be considered offensive not because they are crude but because they are actually sexist. Let me explain.
It is simply unimaginable that the same kind of remark would be directed towards a man. Men, while not necessarily expected to belch or break wind in public, certainly are given a pass when they so. However, a serious gender gap exists with regard to our tolerance of women who do exactly the same thing. And since women have achieved equality in nearly every other aspect of life it is not unreasonable to start tackling this issue. And I have a specific proposal.
When Eve Ensler first published The Vagina Monologues (TVM) she included a monologue called â€œReclaiming (C-Word).â€ The idea behind the monologue was that a) the c-word had a nasty meaning and that b) by repeating the c-word over and over the negative stigma could be removed. The c-word could be reclaimed by those who wished to use it without offending anyone!
Many feminists later added a similar monologue to TVM performances. This one involved having women get up on stage and simulate the noises they make when they have an orgasm. There have even been female faculty members who have done this in front of audiences that have included colleagues and even their own students. The idea behind this was that women too should enjoy orgasms and that they should not be judged for doing so. I guess that closing the gender gap on this issue was the climax of the feminist movement.
So, today, I propose that we add another monologue to TVM performances. This new monologue will be called â€œReclaiming Toot.â€ It may sound unusual but it really isnâ€™t. After all, feminists say the stigma associated with the c-word can be removed by simply saying the c-word over and over. So why not repeatedly break wind in front of a bunch of howling students until the toot loses its power to control women?
We donâ€™t require dogs to leave the room before they break wind so why should women? And tooting during a performance of TVM will no more damage a female professorâ€™s credibility with her students than simulating her orgasms in front of them.